Overcoming Loss
With a father like this in your life it’s easy to miss him once he’s gone.
Twenty years without a father, it’s a long time to go without a loved one, especially someone who usually holds a central role in your life. May 24th, 1992 was the day my father left this physical world, hopefully for an ethereal one. You don’t get to be as emotional as I without having cried a lot of tears, my father’s parting was awash with a waterfall of tears. The initial shock of such a loss is often accompanied by a wrenching sensation within the heart, it tears at your very fabric, breaking you apart at the seams. You cry and experience the void, the absence of uplifting emotions for lapses of time that feel too long for anyone to bare. Nothing but emptiness and pain, sadness that cuts you at the core and splinters your soul.
The comfort of a father’s love, enjoy it while you can.
You think of moments that will never come to pass, the day you get your driver’s license, his smile as he hands you the key and a bit more freedom. Graduation day walking up to grab your diploma with dad in the background whistling and cheering. All the hockey games you would have watched together and the idle banter between father and son that would surely occur. Meeting my first girlfriend and imparting words of wisdom on love. His absence at key moments in my life, the difference it would have made to have him there sharing some of the best days of my life. He will never meet any of my children or worse yet never hold them. He will not be by my mother’s side for the rest of her life, a terrible truth for her to bare. As these mock memories take shape in your mind the weight they bare crushes you, launching you into a downward spiral not easily recovered from. You long for things no longer possible except for in your mind, his hearty and contagious laugh, his kind green eyes and his quirky and sometimes perverted humour. You miss his thoughtful and joyful character, his unique ability to bring people together. Above all else you miss the hugs and the kisses, there is nothing a child misses most from their parent. There is a comfort in their arms that can not be found elsewhere in the world.
He was big on outdoor activities, which is good for a child that played a lot of video games.
There is no sugar coating the reality that awaits you when a loved one dies. Melancholie hovers over you for what seems like an eternity where seconds turn into hours, hours into days, before you know it you’ve been crying yourself to sleep for months. The absence weighs heavy on the heart but there is some truth in the saying that time heals all wounds, however it is a bit misleading as a scar does remain. This post isn’t about the despair that awaits you from such a loss but rather the strength that you find within your mind and heart allowing you to climb out of the hopelessness and begin living life once again. With time itself as your shepherd you begin to replace the moments you will never have with the ones that you did, suddenly a frown is replaced with a smile. The sun pierces the clouds as it’s rays race down into the emptiness and brings warmth to your face and light into your heart. You look up and for every cherished memory you relive in your mind another hand grip juts out from the crevice of sadness. Slowly but surely you climb out of the loss on the back of the memories that have marked you forever.
The loss of my father and the two years leading up to it were quite tragic and have marked me for life, but when I think of the past, of who he was and what he meant to me I think of the moments we shared and how this man has become a part of me forever. As a child I mimicked my father and everything he did like so many before me. The way he watched TV, the way he sat down or drank his drink. Without warning as an adult I developed his laugh and mannerisms with my glasses, very much like he I try to force them back up my nose with a wrinkle as if contorting part of my face would work better than my finger.
These camping trips were simple vacations which we could afford and they were filled with memorable family moments that keep the memory of my father alive after all these years.
I remember the family camping trips he would take us on, the excitement he exuded at having toasts made with the Coleman camping stove. I remember how happy he was swimming with his two kids, enjoying the warm beautiful weather and the water as though he were a child himself. I cherish the memories by the campfires with the marshmallow sticks we found and made ourselves. The Yahtzee games we played on the plaid covered picnic tables as a family and the few victories I secured. I will never forget his penchant for speedo bathing suits and the athleticism of his dives.
Play fighting with my father, he let me win quite often.
I will always remember the fights he would mediate and resolve, not because we asked him to but because he knew that loved ones were better together rather than apart. The fight with my mother which forced me to go stay at my friends house for a weekend, he called to see how I was and informed me that the dog deeply missed me and wanted me to come home. A secret message encrypted enough for a child to understand.
The rift between best friends for reasons I no longer remember, I spent many weeks alone because of it. On the day of my birthday he had called said friend and asked him to come over to celebrate, he informed him that he was missed and needed. I was so pleasantly surprised by his attendance and relieved that our disagreement was resolved, I missed him very much. I knew who was responsible right away, my father’s love extended out of his family and embraced those closest to us. The day that same friend got his drivers license it was not his father that lent him a car but mine, we had our first taste of freedom in my father’s car and it was quite an adventure.
He was a joker at heart, I get a lot of my sense of humour from him.
He was a master of practical jokes and till this day he remains the one individual who has really taken me to the cleaners when it comes to April Fool’s Day. As usual, during those years I was sleeping over at my best friends house playing video games. I believe it was a Sunday morning when a call came in for me, I got on the phone only to hear my father yelling with such excitement, as he exclaimed that we had won the lottery. We won so much money that we were going out on a shopping spree, I was to get whatever toys and games I wanted, my parents were getting new cars and a bigger house. I got off the phone so overwhelmed with emotion and excitement I ran around collecting my things while my friend frowned with jealousy. Before I could step out of the house the phone rang again, it was my father once more. I jumped on the phone as quick as I could, “I’m coming home dad, I’ll be there in ten minutes.” My father’s reply ripped me in half, I have yet to be caught so flat footed as I did back then, “April Fool’s Day!”. My revenge when I got home was Rice Krispies in all of his shoes but the prank elicited zero response from a father who knew that he had gotten his son in a way that could not be beat.
The infamous horny snowman from our old neighbourhood.
How could I ever forget the new glossy balloons he gave me that came individually wrapped and were of a different texture than regular balloons. I found out later they were really condoms which explained his genuine amusement with our reactions. I will always chuckle at the humongous penis he added to the giant snowman that we built with the help of our neighbors. Worse of all he convinced my mother to pose with the excited Frosty. My father was always playing around, putting full uncooked poultry in compromising positions with eggs coming out from between their legs, or dressing up in odd costumes with wigs and acting out in order to make others laugh. Many remember him running around shirtless, a skinny, lanky man flexing like an idiot pretending to be some large muscle man. He brought joy and laughter into the lives of his family and friends and those are the thoughts that lifted me out of the loss. They are the memories that I cherish and remember when I think of him and who he was. He may no longer be on this earth but he lives on in my mind, full of life and love. Thanks for the happy moments dad, you were and remain the best father I could have ever hoped for. We may not have been together for a lifetime but the memories you have forged will last me exactly that long. Love you and see you on the flip side.
Cedric Jean-Marie
