Life After Shreddies
In April 2019 I lost my closest and best’est’ of friends, Shreddies. The weight of it all hit me hard the moment I feared her health was deteriorating… her soft, warm body failing her piece by piece as the sock she ate caused ever more havoc within her weathered and overtaxed intestines. She had eaten one too many non-edible objects and pushed her internal organs to their limit over her short 9 years on this earth. Her body had reached its breaking point, and the world would shortly become a darker place because of it.
At first, what food she ate she couldn't keep down, but that was quickly followed by water, which was really when this ordeal became incredibly serious. I immediately took the next day off work in order to be by my best friend's side all night in the hopes that the utmost of care and love would be enough to shepherd us through this recurring hurdle that we were destined to revisit together endlessly. As I lay down beside her on our ceramic floor and gently stroked her perfect little head in an effort to comfort her… and me... I mentally traveled back in time to uncover how we overcame this moment the last time.
We had come to this fatal moment once before and it too had broken me down to my core. I feared her premature departure from this world, from our life, from my loving care, but life granted us a second chance. Our saving grace occurred during what would likely have been her last walk, as the activity worked her intestines pushing them into overdrive which in turn was enough to expose one small piece of the foreign body, enough for me to extract the rest manually, it was another damn sock.
Lying by her side and staring into her wise, kind eyes I promised that I would save her once more. I had hoped to recreate this last chance moment this go round by repeating our previous steps identically but on our last walk together the internal struggle raging on inside began to manifest itself externally and Shreddies started to drag her paws as she fought to take small, slow steps. Walking was becoming impossible and a few steps later standing was no longer possible for her. It was then that life punched my heart out of my chest… I knew at this moment that my fears from last time we're increasingly becoming my very sad reality. I picked her up in my arms and carried her back home as I wept aloud in the silent darkness of the night. In those quiet moments, pain and sadness were the only melodies echoing through the cool night air.
I spent the early morning hours crying with Shreds in my arms, my whimpers were enough to stir my girlfriend Sophie from her sleep and soon a chain of comfort and support materialized in our entrance hall as I showered Shreddies with love while Sophie showered love on us both while also comforting me in my increasing descent into the gravity of the situation. Emergency calls were made to different experts looking for any sign of a positive outcome and each ended in despair. As life began to stir in the rest of the surrounding neighborhoods we quickly packed our little family into the car to make our way to any vet with a glimmer of hope in our hearts and a whole lot of dread.
We connected with Sara at the vet, Shreddies' "Maman", and headed in with our furry family member. Showing up without an appointment meant we had to wait but they did make time for us. Having been through this once before we knew what options lay before us: an expensive surgery with no guarantees or a peaceful exit from her suffering with those who loved her most in life glued by her side and bleeding from the heart. I abhor that her life came to a financial decision, I believe this tortures me the most in all that has transpired. Was she not worth it?! Absolutely she was and still the risk of failure and nothing to show for it but the crushing blow of her loss loomed heavy in my decision making… I crumbled and sacrificed my best friend for fucking money… I hate this part of the story the most... but it is what it is.. the truth.
When the time came the lights were dimmed and we huddled and cuddled up to Shreds and held her tighter than we ever have before. We whispered our final words into her ears and cried our hearts out. She shared so much love with us in her lifetime and in that moment so much of that love was showered back down on her as her fast breaths slowed down, the cadence between breaths getting longer and longer until she exhaled one last time and I buried my face in her fur and let the rest of my heartbreak. I'm so thankful that Sophie agreed to take this journey with me, as she cried she shined through the darkness as my solemn rock, my safe haven from the raging storm of emotions ripping its way through my already fragile heart. Still to this day as I break down often she steadfastly calms my storm with her loving demeanor and ever-present support.
It has been quite a while since I’ve sat down to reflect and write like this… I knew seconds after her last breath that it would come to this when I would transfer into written form the excruciating pain of the loss of a soul so pure and full of love and to whom I have grown immensely attached. She altered me in unexpected and profound ways, something you don't think of when you choose to bring a dog into your life. You actively think of the early morning walks, the fun of poop duty and of course the absolutely adorable and cute cuddles. You don't contemplate the loss that will eventually come… I believe this is partly because it's difficult to fathom how deep the bond will grow.
From the outside looking in it might seem like this deliberate act of reliving and sharing of heightened emotions is unnecessary self-immolation. To me, this is one of the most important, primordial, and natural journeys for us humans on earth… to love and to lose, to live through our full emotional spectrum and connect with each other on that journey through our vulnerable humanness, to love and celebrate those who have touched us profoundly and shaped us into who we are. So this is me feeling immensely on digital paper what Shreddies meant to me, and how much richness she brought to me and my loved ones in ways that only she could.
She was the most precious of beings, so pure, kind and so full of love. Those who knew her well were equally touched by her brightness, her love and affection were inescapable, like the passage of time, with the only difference being that her love was something that no one wanted to escape. Deep down I knew her light on this earth would be short-lived given dogs known lifespan… I just didn’t think it would be so soon and so abrupt.
I dreaded her departure from my side for so long, I even expressed the devastation this would bring in the past… but this isn’t a story of loss but rather a story of love and redemption. Shreddies showed me a way to love I had no idea was even possible. She loved fully and completely, with no expectations ever. Trust was constant, immutable and ever-present. Her dedication was the deepest and most absolute. I never questioned her love, never worried about her intentions, and never doubted her motivations. She loved me and I loved her… it was that simple and beauty is often found in simplicity.
Even a month after her loss I grieve as I scroll through our digitally captured life and see just how much of it she occupied. As I lived through so much change and turmoil she was my constant, my north star. People came to associate us together for we rarely traveled apart. She was my shadow or I was hers, regardless of which we loved being at each other’s side.
I remember the day she came into my life like it was yesterday, on a farm not too far from what would be our home for 9 years. Her sisters bowled her over to come and jump on me, seeking love and attention like many of us in the world. Her forced aloofness and golden locks caught my eye right away but it was her Bambi eyes that won me over. Within those dark brown eyes was a world of love I wanted to discover. She seemed so human in her gaze even back then at the young age of 3 months. That day I made a pact with her that we would be family from this day forward come what may. One of the best decisions I have ever made, and it was through compromise. Having been a dog owner before I knew the work involved, the commitment, but Sara, my girlfriend at the time, really wanted one and Shreddies was my response to that strong desire. Together we adopted a permanent furry family member into our lives and watched her flourish and bring love and joy into every aspect of our lives. I am so thankful that Shreddies picked me that fateful day with her soulful eyes.
Within three months she proved to be incredibly intelligent and hyper-aware of emotions. She loved to be close and cuddle and even if we were as close as can be that still wasn’t close enough for her liking. She was prohibited from jumping on furniture early on, oh how quickly we capitulated under the pressure of those brown puppy eyes. It wasn’t long before she enjoyed the luxury of the brown leather couch, a couch I still have to this day. I remember people asking me why I wasn’t worried about her damaging the couch with her claws to which I replied: "I’d rather be the receiver of her love than the protector of a lifeless couch." Over time the couch succumbed to her boundless and limitless energy and today when I look at its sorry ass state I am reminded of just how much love Shreddies shared with me on this couch… its aesthetic destruction is a physical manifestation of just how much time we spent together there. Thank you Shreddies for destroying my couch with your love.
Her presence in my bed took a bit more time for she wasn’t a small dog. She would have this incredibly adorable habit of resting her little face on the edge of the bed and stare at you. I would turn and face her and gently pet her soft and comforting head. We would bid each other goodnight in those moments and as I turned off the light she would find a spot next to the bed just so that she could be close. Eventually, the bed became fair play for the very same reasons as the couch but the longer prohibition created the most adorable of habits, she would never assume she was allowed to jump on the bed. She always asked with the faintest of barks. She would rarely stay the whole night however since she was coated in the most gorgeous of furs which meant that heat was her enemy. When she reached her "boiling point" she would disembark in order to cool down. So sometimes her barking request for permission to come back aboard would come in the middle of the night while I was sound asleep and it would startle me awake. She was always greeted with an “up up” of course and seconds later she was glued to my side once more, sometimes her head resting on my chest, and all was forgiven. Now when I look at the edge of my bed for my friend I am reminded of the love that awaited me each and every time I went to bed. Thank you Shreddies for scaring the shit out of me at night and for keeping me warm on so many cold nights.
Shreddies was a big fan of humans, in dog parks, she always preferred to play with me rather than other dogs unless her half-sister, Mollie, was there. Her love of humans always shined through as she greeted anyone and everyone that came to the house. She would spin, and spin, and spin, and lick, and wag, wag, and wag some more. She showered so much love on guests and pizza delivery girls and guys she often became the highlight of people's visits. In fact, Shreddies was loved by so many people she was directly responsible for the adoption of at least 3 dogs that I know of in other families. Mollie, her half-sister, was the first to join the circle, followed by Miley, and finally BB-8 and she adored each one of those dogs she helped bring into her life, her extended family of sorts.
Some people, in particular, she took an enormous liking too, so much so I would refer to them as her uncles. Both my friends JF and John were showered with her affection and she was equally loved each and every time. She would follow JF to the couch and basically end up lying on him as he petted her. She had an audible excitement when she would see John as he would often give her dog massages, she particularly loved the ear massages.
When Sophie came into my life Shreddies would be her first introduction to life with a dog. Sophie inherited some fears from her father who suffered a scary attack from a dog in his youth. It didn't take long for the two to find each other's weak spots through love. So often I would find them cuddled and sleeping together and my heart would swell with happiness and joy, my two favourite"things" in the world intertwined. They developed such a rich and reciprocal love for each other in so little time it was often a highlight in my life to see.
I will, of course, miss my welcome home greetings, which differed greatly from her greetings of others. She would often spin 2 or 3 times before lying down on the floor and rolling on her back so that she could offer up her stomach for a belly rub, she absolutely loved those. I would often sit down beside her and pet her soft underbelly and listen to her pronounced exhalations as she reveled in the comfort of my arrival. On hard days I could lie down beside her and cuddle her making a shitty day brighter instantly.
She really was a dog that was easy to love. You could hug her for as long as you wanted and she would just sit there and wait till you were done. In fact, she was incredibly aware of human emotions as any time I would cry she would shortly find her way to my side and lean in, her presence provided instant comfort as love often does. Some would argue that this is just a dog interested in more attention or the taste of salty tears but she would also do the same when I would get verbally or visually upset. And her eyes held deep wisdom and humanness to them. She helped me as well as others through many difficult times and I am forever grateful for her love and attention.
She even excelled as a support dog who would visit old age homes and bring comfort and love to those who would let her. In fact, the bond she had with my sister was a joy to witness as my sister never quite received that kind of love and attention from an animal before. Shreddies and her would play hide and seek almost every time, my sister often hiding in the same places but each time Shreds would grab her by the hand with her mouth always in a delicate fashion and make such a fuss about finding her while my sister would laugh with amazement as a dog achieved playing hide and seek with her.
Yes, Shreddies was insanely bright, at the young age of 6 months she could do so many tricks that were all home taught and she went on to learn so many more. She was very attentive and even picked up things we never intended on teaching her. During the summer I would often make her run while I rode a bike, she quickly picked up what it meant to stay on my side while running off leash at high speeds. We would go for 5km runs and I never needed to hold her leash. I was always amazed at how she would navigate through a dense crowd on the market without my need to guide her, I simply attached her leash to my waist and away we went. Another word she picked up quick was "tapis", the word for carpet in French. After a wet walk, she was often asked to stay on the carpet for a bit so that the snow under her paws could melt. Sometimes she would stay and be so quiet I'd forget she was even there.
She had such a tender, gentle soul. She never snapped food out of your hand, she was always so careful and used her tongue mostly to grab it. In fact, she never hurt anyone and she was just amazing around babies or toddlers, even if they had food. I don't think there was a bad bone in her body.
That being said she was a jealous dog, if we spent too much time giving others attention she would object with her distinct WTF bark. She essentially didn't like it when she wasn't included in any displays of affection, her objection would usually be greeted with laughter and subsequently her inclusion in the circle of love.
She was also a well-traveled dog as she made a number of long road trips including a few down south to Cape Hatteras. For 15 to 17 hours she would patiently rest amongst a wasteland of stuff just happy to be involved in the trip. It was here where Shreddies’ learned to swim and I learned of a condition known as wave tail, which is common for the area apparently. You see dogs use their tails actively in water and with overuse, they sometimes sprain them. So on the same trip that Shreddies learned to swim she injured her question mark tail, which was noticed right away given its constant presence on her. If her tail wasn't wagging it was in the shape of a question mark. It became synonymous with "everything be alright homie" for me. So after a quick vet visit, she needed to keep the excitement to a minimum to avoid any wagging of any kind, as anyone who knows Shreds this was an almost impossible task for her. She also had to medicate with anti-inflammatories to help with the healing and reduce the pain, but even in pain Shreddies never made much of a fuss. She was ever calm and always patient, the epitome of cool under pressure.
As I pour my Shreddies' soul out here I begin to see just how rich of a life we had together and just how much a part of me she is, even after her abrupt and sadness riddled departure. The way she would pop her head through my crossed legs for attention on the couch; the self-appointed duty of keeping you company as you went to the washroom, she would sit right in front of you and you would right away bury your fingers in her goldie locks; how she would rest her head on the backseat in the car from the trunk… and look at you with the most adorable of faces; her inability to open a half-open door, she would just stand in front in silence and wait for magic to take care of the rest… or us to do her bidding; the meals we shared at home and on the market; the paws to my face and all of her wet kisses; her love of water and playing; the way she would immediately come and sit right up against me and between my legs if I ever sat on the ground; her excitement with every fresh snowfall; all those early morning walks in absolute silence together; her obsession with the biggest of sticks she could find, I swear sometimes it would weigh half her weight; the way she would run her own ears after I would pet them; all those nights on my feet under the table as I ate or on boardgame nights; the movies in my lap cuddling and chillin with her best friend; and of course all the love we willingly gave each other. So many wonderful memories of my furry friend.
Ohhhh how I am going to miss you my dearest of friends. May life see to it that we cross paths again. I will always love you Shreddies, thank you for always loving me back, no questions asked.
Your most faithful of companions,
Cedric "Shreddies" Jean-Marie
P.S. To all those of you who were lucky to know my beloved Shreddies how much I would love for you to share your favourite memory or picture of her with me. I miss her terribly and would love to see her impact in other peoples lives.
