Florida day 2
December 4th, 2022
With a pretty chill day under our belt we felt ready to take on the Florida heat and sun. So when Grandmother told us she made reservations for a family outing on a local river we were thrilled to be trying our hand at something new. We packed up and creamed up for our next adventure and out the door we went, our destination? The Canoe Outpost, a nice little kayak and canoe rental operation on the Manatee River. They set you up with everything you need, at a reasonable cost of course, like canoes, kayaks, life vests including ones for small infants, and even waterproof bags for all your electronics and wallets. The entire journey is about a 3 to 4 hour affair where you end up downriver and they come pick you up to bring you back to the starting space.
After a quick guided tour of what we can expect on the river through the use of advanced visualization technology, photos, we headed to the dock. Two canoes with oars were already in the water, it was now time to create two teams of water warriors who would brave the river together, separate yet united. Team Alpha was made up of Elise and Jay, Lola’s grandparents, as well as Grandmother, our benevolent benefactor and the investor on this complex jungle river operation. Jay took the vanguard position at the front of the boat while Elise took the guardian position at the rear. This left Grandmother with the illustrious position as the commander in chief smack dab in the middle.
Team Bravo was made up of Sophie, the captain/expert pilot at the back while I was relegated to the lowly ranks of spotter at the front. What was Lola in all this? She was reserved a comfy spot at the front of the canoe as the tip of the spear. This meant I had the additional duty of baby watcher, those who excel always get more responsibilities in life… that is my cross to bear. :P
As we started paddling out I thought to myself “Man what a sweet gig I got! This is gonna be the easiest ride of my life!” Lo and behold I could not have been more wrong for reasons I will get into soon enough. The downstream current of the river was a welcome contributor to our efforts, it meant that small intermittent paddling would propel you down great distances. Shortly after our departure it became abundantly clear that our paddling efforts would quickly shift to sharp and precise maneuvers thanks to the last hurricane that hit the region.
The river was fraught with disrupted vegetation like an all out war had taken place. Tree limbs could be seen all over the place with entire trunks and bodies strewn out across the river. Some were even decapitated or blown to bits. Regardless of how each tree met its untimely demise, they all had to be dodged and avoided or risk being stuck or worse yet tipped over.
Thankfully the water was quite shallow hence why felled trees remained partially submerged. Sophie’s expert training in canoe-nautical maneuvres from her years as a camp councillor saved the day for us as she repeatedly threaded the needle through this watery graveyard of trees. We didn’t escape completely unscathed however as we did get beached on a couple of occasions. Nothing a little bodyweight thrusting couldn’t fix however.
Team Alpha on the other hand was having a merry time ahead of us until one sneaky tree jumped out of nowhere and captured Elise by surprise. It first grabbed her paddle and tried to rip it out of her hand. She held firm and tried to use the tree branch paddle technique but that just pushed her further into harms way as the tree encroached into her personal space and proceeded to slam her back down on the rear of the canoe. Thankfully her Kevlar life vest took the brunt of the impact but she still felt the blunt force nonetheless. With the tree trying to submit Elise for a 3 second count she wriggled and squirmed while letting out a small battle cry “eeeeawwwwww” which sounded a lot like a little yelp. It was then that navigator Jay became aware of their predicament. He jumped into action by yelling out “Are you ok?” That was all Elise needed to break free of the tree’s death grab, a little encouragement from her lover.
We witnessed the entire ordeal from behind, a safe distance from the battleground. We watched with baited breath at every strike and counterstrike like a grandmaster level chess match. It was a battle of champions, a battle for the ages, and thankfully our warrior emerged victorious with her wits and limbs intact. We cheered from a distance in unison her new battle nickname, “Tree paddler! Tree paddler!”
Their second close call came a little later when the trees mounted an underwater operation which beached their vessel suddenly. It nearly toppled them over if it weren’t for the quick action of the front and rear guard who both used their feet to stabilize the ship as well as dislodge them. The strike was both a near success and an immediate defeat. Grandmother was spared a light afternoon swim, a fact she was very thankful for.
Team Bravo, that would be us, seemed to be spared most of the trees wrath. We did have problems of our own however. From the confines of our vessel we had a pretty smooth start to our journey but that was a peace that was never gonna last, we know that now. Shortly after the initial “ooooos” and “ahhhhhhs” subsided Lola mounted a full on mutiny against her shipmates.
She started out with a tired battlecry but that transformed quickly into a full on defcon 5 meltdown. It took everything I had to weather the storm and mount my own surprise counteroffensive. With repeated daddy’s shoulder go to sleep attacks she finally succumbed to my tactics. With a sleeping angel in my left arm I made her a makeshift bed in front of me with some shade with my right arm. I laid her down into canoe hollow for what we hoped would be a quiet retreat into dreamland. She remained in a peaceful slumber until our first and only pitstop where we would feast in a deserted camp.
Our lunch celebrations were well deserved but we weren’t out of the woods yet, literally. With full stomachs and renewed vigor we set back out. One of us was less inclined to continue this journey on the water and that was Lola. On this leg of the trip she went from full on human to full on banshee as she shrieked cries no human has ever lived to tell the tale… that is until now.. until us. Her cries were not the only thing we had to contend with, she also mounted a full on bacon attack. It took all of my balancing skills to negate her erratic movements in the canoe. At one point I shifted to a more reclined position to try and pull her back into a deep slumber, but sadly all my efforts were for naught.
We had to travel the rest of the way with a typhoon of cries, shrieks, and tears. She stopped only momentarily when we spotted wildlife brave enough to stay visible despite the kraken roars emanating from our canoe. We saw plenty of turtles and a couple of tiny alligators, better than nothing I guess.
When we finally got back to land for the final time of the day she immediately ceased her crying. We beached the canoes and waited at the designated extraction point for our ride back. A small bus pierced the horizon minutes later and we quickly packed up everything and rode off to our 12 passenger van.
We spent the rest of the day by the pool letting go of stress and battle wounds from our treacherous trek into the wilderness. We shared mead and stories as we recounted the most epic battles of the day. All in all an absolute blast of a second day. While I didn’t enjoy my time in the moment, reflecting back there was a part of me that still found beauty and romance in the experience. Bring on more days like this please!
